Lessons Learnt, a Work in Progress…

When I was a child, I thought the key to survival in a not always pleasant world would be to shut off my emotions. It made me feel more powerful to be able to mask my emotions, especially as I am a naturally introverted person and I struggled to be assertive or stand up for myself. I also didn’t have the best of relationships with my mother, as she was quite domineering and I became more and more rebellious and stubborn.
As a teenager I became even more rebellious and discovered the joys of alcohol, which helped me feel even less. It was the start of a horrible, addictive 15 year relationship with my beloved alcohol. I did not drink every day, but when I did, I definitely made up for it and one was never enough. Eventually, as a student, away from my parents I drank when I was sad, when things were tough and even just because I was happy. I didn’t even need a companion to enjoy my drinks, losing friends as a consequence of my drunken misbehaviour didn’t faze me at all. After drinking too much and getting into trouble, I would stop for a bit each time. I would stop drinking, work on my relationship with God and then think that everything would be okay again. I always began drinking in secret again, then drinking one or two drinks in front of friends and family, convinced yet again that I could handle my drink. I would then screw up, fall into depression and then promise to never drink again. The vicious cycle continued until I was 28.
I was living in a different province as my family and reconnected with what I thought was an amazing guy, but he turned out to be a pathological liar and functioning alcoholic. I got sucked back into the void of drink and the depression that always followed after a regretful alcohol filled night. After that disaster ended, I promised to go see yet another psychologist to try and fix what was wrong with me. I still continued drinking secretly, but the words of the psychologist sunk in deep and by some miracle I could finally understand my relationship with alcohol and see it for what it truly was. Psychologically I will never be the same again, as the alcohol affected me greatly, but I came to terms with my previously dysfunctional relationship with my mother and I learnt to understand myself and my emotions much better than I ever had before.
I finally let go of all the anger towards my mother, learnt how to understand my feelings and to stop twisting the actions of other people in my mind. In 2018 I met a man that I could actually stand being in a relationship with and who didn’t bore me after a few months. For the first time I actually believed that there was someone I couldn’t stand to lose because of my impulsive drinking. On the 14th of January 2018 I finally put the bottle down and made the very difficult decision to completely stop drinking. It was definitely not all sunshine and roses, as I now had to face all my feelings and couldn’t just pick up a bottle of wine and drown all the emotions away.
Now in 2020 it has been 2 years since I last drank and I can honestly say that I am a much better and more successful person. I may not be rich and life isn’t always easy, but I still have my family, a few friends and the love of my life by my side. If it wasn’t for them, especially my parents, who never once gave up on me or stopped praying for me, I definitely wouldn’t still be here today. My personal relationship with God has also significantly improved and I can now wholeheartedly believe that I am worthy of His love. I haven’t completely stopped thinking about alcohol yet and probably never will, but I can honestly say that I feel completely free from the desire to drown my sorrows and the void of depression that once consumed me. I have instead picked up healthier habits and am constantly trying not to forget about the God that played a big role in overcoming my addiction.
Anonymous

One Comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing your testimony, I know that it will have a great impact on someone “out there”!!

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